In about 7th grade I was walking to middle school youth group at a local church. It was probably about a mile from our house to the church I attended for youth group. It was in a somewhat busy section of town or at least near a busy part of town. First Baptist Church in Eugene, OR. I was accustomed to walking around town at a young age.
This day I was about 2 1/2 blocks from the church on a very busy street near the eugene bus station when a man pulled over and asked if I wanted a ride. I was not scared, people often asked if I wanted a ride. I said “no thank you, I’m not very far.” He asked me again and I said no. He becam more adamant and asked a 3rd time. He did not have a gun or knife that I could see, but at this point I became nervous that he was not a good guy.
I said “no.” and started walking away. A little over 2 blocks later I was a the building next to my church when I noticed his car sticking out (but not far enough that I could see him) in the alleyway between buildings. He was waiting for me!. I turned around and went behind the building I had started walking in front of. I looked into the alley where he was waiting. He started to back up.
I was so scared realizing he was waiting for me. He knew where I was going! He realized I might see part of his vehicle and backed up so I wouldn’t see his car sticking out, but he was to late. I ran past the alley way. Ran into the church basement. Saw no one (I was early) and hid in a side room and hid/cried until I heard familiar voices.
I told my youth pastor what happened. I wish we had called the police. I don’t recall whether he offered or not that night. I remember wishing I’d have got his license plate number. To this day I regret that. I wonder how many more “kids” he has preyed on. What if I had done something more to stop him.
At this point I don’t remember his features, anything about his car, mostly I remember the fear. I don’t know what exactly his plans for me were that day, but I know they were not good. I am glad I did not become a missing person.
I am a regular walker, which seems to be less common in this day and age. I walk with my kids regularly and frequently have people ask me if I want ride (even though they have no car seats). They are trying to be nice I believe, but every time I wonder what is wrong with society if they think a person needs a ride if they are walking? Walking used to be the norm and it’s healthy.
I don’t want my kids to be afraid every time someone asks them for a ride some day, but with the frequency and commonality of it now it scares me. I don’t want my kids to be afraid of people and don’t teach “stranger danger”, but do teach don’t get in the vehicle with someone you don’t know.
I was talking to someone recently at the park and she said she had a pass code for her kids. If someone said they were there to pick up her kids they were to ask for the pass code. I like that idea. I hate that we live in a place/society where pass codes are needed and I have to almost weekly decline a ride from people when I just want to go for a walk with my kids.
Please teach your kids not to take rides from strangers and know that YES, it does happen that strangers ask kids for rides AND it could be your child. I don’t want any child to go missing EVER.Think about using a pass code for your family.
I recently travelled 35 minutes or so to another city for an ultrasound appointment. My babysitter had something come up and so I was scrambling to find a babysitter last minute. I called a friend of ours that lives in the city I was traveling to for my ultrasound. She is our friends (my husbands best mans) stepmom. She was available to babysit.
When I picked up the kids we talked for a short time. She informed me that she wouldn’t be able to attend my middle child’s birthday party Sunday because she would be visiting a friend in the hospital going through chemo. She is extremely kind hearted and regularly visiting friends in the hospital or at home.
She encouraged me to make younger friends. She said that she is finding it hard to keep losing friends. A large part of her friends have died or going through cancer treatment. There was a sadness in her eyes. She also said she was glad to watch my kids and see the other end, the next generation.
It reminded me of when I was younger and sitting on my adopted grandpas porch. He had never married and had no children of his own. He told me he was sad that all his friends had passed away. It saddened me at the time.
I believe it’s good to have friends at all spectrums, young to older. I hope that none of you one day are looking at your life and realizing all your friends are dead or not doing well.
I remember Valentines Day fondly when I was a child. In elementary school we would make Valentine mailboxes or envelopes with hearts all over them. Everyone brought everyone Valentine cards or sweetheart candies. It was a lot of fun, even if you knew a few of the folks didn’t really like you much.
Middle school and high school (and on) it all seemed to switch to being about crushes and “love.” I didn’t receive Valentines anymore except from my mom. There was a girl friend in high school who sent me a “crush” pop in high school. I think she had the right idea.
There is no need for Valentine’s Day to be solely about celebrating love between couples. I think it would be great if friends gave each other more “Valentines.” Today a friend brought me by a bouquet of flowers and said something along the lines of “I didn’t have a chance to get a card, but if I had it would say I know we haven’t seen much of each other recently but I cherish our friendship.”
Unfortunately, my husband will not be home for Valentines Day, but I love my Valentine flowers from my friend. I also made out Valentine cards yesterday for some of my friends and family. I encourage you to remind those dear to you of how much you care for them. It will lift their spirits.
you played with my hair in the church pew until many would say I was to old
we walked together through life’s meanderings
the sales we went to are as numerous as the stars I see at night
our laughter rung out, up to the clouds
The theatre we attended no longer exists, but my memories of being there through the sunny and rainy days of our lives will be there cherished and many
with monthly pain I would cradle myself in your loving embrace, feeling your love emanating my soul, allowing true rest, my pain a distant memory
why, oh why did you have to leave
mentally, you started to leave me
it started with others, few to many
out to ruin you
i could not remain through the mental onslaught
i left you, I left us so I could remain whole
one of the hardest things
you were gone
gone
my love, my anchor
now anchor less, a chain moving around in the vast ocean
no one could fill your place in my heart
a yearning for you ran deep and wide
but there was hope
come back, please come back
let me see your smile, let me feel the warmth of your embrace
slowly it seemed you were coming back to me after years of being…away
i saw your smile far and between, but there amidst a toilsome mind
we had a special day, you and I shopping like we used to
it was wonderful, magical
you were with me, completely
then, like a hammer shattering glass
cancer
no, it can’t be
i was starting to see YOU again
why
how
NOOOOOO
dont go away
dont leave me when I am finally finding you again
you wouldn’t get help until it was to late
slowly, then quickly your body changed
i could feel your ribs against mine as you held me in your last days
please don’t leave me
dont leave my future children without knowing you
my pleading heart couldn’t save your dying one
i held your hand as you went to heaven
i knew you were free, but I wanted you back for even a moment
don’t go, don’t be GONE
but alas, you were
for a little I held your empty shell and cried until the rain stopped
finality set in
i miss you
i miss you when I see someone who looks a little like you
i miss you when I hear a song on the radio
i miss you with salsa music as I remember you dancing so wild and free growing up
i miss you as my children take their first steps
i miss you on the anniversary of your leaving
i miss you in moments and days
i love you mom until my last breath escapes my body
Heart to heart
Soul to soul
I search for thee
You are here
With me
In my heart
In my soul
You fill me with your love
Only you can fill me with peace
I want your joy to fill me to full
I want the emptiness no more
Why be empty when I can be full with your love, your peace, your joy
You are my Lord,
You are my God,
You are my Saviour
You are my Comforter
You are my Strength
When I am weak, you carry me through the darkness of this world
You are Light in this dark and weary world
I can reach you even in the darkest places and you reach down and take my hand, you take my heart in your hand and comfort my heart and soul.
ChemoMy childhood homeBeach tripBefore Chemo one dayChristmas 2009My memorial paper I madeMoms memorial
During her last month, in painAmerican Cancer Society half marathon
After I returned back to Oregon after a year and a half at an out of state university I decided to try and visit mom every once in a while. When I went to see her at her home there was only one piece of furniture in the house…a couch she slept on in the living room near the door.
The few times I went during this period she was under a blanket yelling for me to get out. She said my siblings and I had ruined her life, that we had all been lying to her for years. She said I was the head of a lottery scheme spending money to make her think things. Our godfather had died several years before of CF, but according to her we had all lied and he was alive and she’d seen him.
She had no electricity, no water, and no heat. For a while she was going to a local Albertsons and washed her hair in their bathroom sinks until they said she couldn’t anymore. I don’t remember what the exact reasoning was. She had hardly any blankets and it was cold. She refused money or anything from us.
04/06/06
I came into Eugene and studied for my food handlers test which I know I had to have done soon to continue working at Mcdonald’s and also I picked up a birth certificate.Other then this I went to the library to see if my old friend J. who is a librarian there was around. He was there and we chatted for a while, which was very good.
The sad thing was that when I was heading into the library I saw my mom heading out of it. She did not see me. She looked the saddest and tiredest person I’ve ever seen. She had huge purple lines and bags under her eyes and her body drooped of fatigue. I watched as she went out the doors and turned to the right and went to the trashcan and pulled out an Arby’s bag and started eating the leftover sandwhich someone hadn’t eaten. I almost wanted to say something, but whenever I see her I’m afraid, of what I’m not sure…of her yelling at me or not yelling at me…attacking or not. I want her to be sane or at least more so. I wish to express how much I love her and have her return it in some way shape or form. I do love her.
#there’s no way to truly express the sadness of seeing your mom like this. She had rummaged through dumpsters throughout our life, but this was different. She hadn’t eaten someone’s discarded half eaten food at that point. As a kid I actually kind of looked forward to college finishing because the college students threw out some pretty good stuff sometimes. This was a heart wrenching moment, hiding from my mom as she went through the trash.
#I started dating my now husband shortly after returning from college. I was nervous when I told him my history and that my mom was mentally ill. I remember thinking he wouldn’t believe me or at least not to the extent that my mom was gone. I took him to my moms house and tried knocking. I don’t remember her response. She told us to leave and that she was tired of me and all my lies. That I had lied to her about being mollested by …and how my siblings and I had all gained up on her over the years…etc. We left and I half expected him to not want to see me anymore. I said something I think like “That is my mom, she really is mentally ill.” Not exactly the way most people imagine introducing their boyfriend to their parent.
#I don’t know when exactly it happened, but mom started doing a bit better. I think she realized that she really truly was about to lose her house she’d spent years fighting to keep.She wasn’t completely healed, but she was better. She had better and worst days and moments.
#At one point she made a comment to my boyfriend and I “you should get married already so you can buy a king size bed. There’s so much fun you can have with a king size bed.”
She started taking care of our neighbor and finding things to sell again. Her sales were no where what they had once been, but it was good to see her doing stuff she hadn’t done in a while.
#the same neighbor she had accused of stealing years before she took care of his last few months. She tried to contact me when he was dying. I called off work and went. I called my sister in California. She asked him to wait til she came to pass on. He did. While my siblings were out he passed away. Mom called us and we came back. She was devastated. I think she’d fallen asleep and was upset about not being with him.
08/03/09 An email I sent to my siblings
hey, I took mom to the coast today. When I went over there to visit her today she said she’s sick of the eugene/springfield area. So, I suggested going to the coast. When we were talking she said she didn’t think she’d been there since about 1997. That made me kind of sad that it’s been so long for her. We went and saw Tim, went to a few thrift stores and only spent a few minutes on the actual beach. It was also sad when I asked her what she enjoyed the most was that she liked talking to the seagull that looked that it had been abused by the other seagulls. Mom always has talked to animals. She felt sorry for it and almost wanted to go get food to bring back for it.
She mentioned that she would like a dog, but isn’t sure she has the energy for it right now. A dog would probably do her well. the best one would probably be a short haired, calm, potty trained one (low maintanance). It would probably be good for her to have a companion when no one’s around. My camera phone was low on battery but i managed to get a few pics. not the best, but better then nothing I suppose. She mentioned maybe going blackberry picking next week.
She mentioned showing me where E. (An aunt on my dads side) used to live (M.’s sister). She said, since I’m an adult I should be allowed to make my own decisions. I don’t really remember much about Esther other then that she owned horses. I asked mom about her and she said E. is the family member of m’s family she respected and liked the most. The thing she didn’t like about her was that she was always trying to bring the family together. Mom said she actually used to talk to her on the phone a lot.
Do you guys remember much about her? how was she? I never really thought about her and didn’t know who she was talking about at 1st. I didn’t remember her name. I think it’s actually kind of cool that mom offered to show me where she lived, in case i did want to have contact with her again.
overall, she was pretty lucid and in a good mood. She talked about menthol messing with her body from her head and shoulder a lot and about how her siblings killed her chickens by sticking them in the outside toilets and such, but for the most part it was a pretty good day/conversation.
love you guys
Madeline
#she started having pain “down there”, when we tried telling her she should see a doctor she refused and said that she doesn’t trust doctors. She tried to cure herself for about a year by eating yogurt and smearing it on herself. The problem was yogurt doesn’t cure cancer.
She finally went, but it was basically to late. She did a couple rounds of chemotherapy. Ultimately, her cancer took her like shortly after going to the doctor.
12/08/09
mom called me about a ride to chemo tomorrow night. She said she’s been thinking about my high school prom outfit. We talked for a few minutes.
12/21/09
I think I actually had fun with mom. It was almost like old times. We hung out and tried on clothes at Salvation Army for about 3 hours altogether and went and looked at Christmas lights around town for a little bit. She was doing pretty well mentally. Yay! It’s been a long time since I’ve spent more then about an hour with her at any time.
01/01/10
so, yesterday mom called to wish me a happy new year and started to say i love you. today she started to initiate a hug for me when i went to visit her. She went on about random stuff. when i was at work she called and left a message about my godmother anna. so, she’s being fine to tim and me, but she is still mentally not right. argh.
01/04/10
Mom called me and said she wanted me to give back a medal that she’d given me that was Franks so that she could give it to one of Franks nieces. I told her no. She gave the medal and if his nieces really wanted anything of his they would have come to get it or visit him when he was alive. No Indian giving on this issue. Sorry mom. She took it fairly well.
#mom often gave us stuff and then would change her mind and say she wanted it back. Or give us something and then give it to another sibling later. Then we would fight over who had it first. One Christmas she gave me a ring, right away she tried to tack it back. I said “no it’s my Christmas present you can’t have it back” I thought she’d got it at a garage sale. Way later I found out from my sister that it was from my dad. I would be wearing it now except my fingers to big.
02/09/10
Please pray for my mom. She is dying of cancer. I don’t know how much longer it will be. She looks like she’s under 100 pounds right now (within a year ago she was over 200). She went through several rounds of chemo. The only medical treatment that would maybe help at this point would be removing her uterus and ovaries, which she is refusing. She isn’t eating much and is very weak.
02/11/10
I hate to see mom go, but I think she is ready and she is in so much pain and had had such a hard life. Mom’s doctor signed the paperwork to allow hospice to come into the picture so I’m glad for that.
02/12/10
I am at my mothers house, so are my siblings.it’s been a long time since we were all sleeping under this roof. I brought my inflatable air mattress this morning and Rachel and Nick brought theirs late at night. I was surprised to find out that my mom had quickly declined a couple of days ago. She has had neuroendocrine cancer now for a while and went through several rounds of chemo,but has refused the further treatment she would need (removal of uterus and ovaries). I signed the initial paperwork for oregon family leave and work has given me time off to take care of mom. I am so glad the Deborah decided to come up with my nephew D. He’s almost 5 months old now and very adorable.
Mom took him right away and began smooching him and making faces and bouncing him on her stomach. she did so for several minutes. I’m surprised she managed to do so for so long with how little energy she has. Up until yesterday evening mom had been able to get up on her own and walk to the bathroom and such (though unsteady) but when she tried to stand up while Deborah and R. were out shopping she fell back on the bed. I was so glad she had been right by the bed. She sat on the very edge of the bed for a while and looked completely dazed and out of it. She wanted me to put the movie Dodgeball on for her. I finally got her laying back down right before Deborah and R. got back. I was afraid of her falling and me not being able to get her off the floor…
A while later mom said “it’s my time to die”. We called R. and she came with N. (My brother in law) back with their mattress. When asked if she needed anything she said “just him, just him” referring to little D. who was laying next to her. It was so sweet.
Seeing them together was so sweet and wonderful. D. smiled and laughed a lot for grandma and grandma smiled and laughed for D. I haven’t gotten much sleep. When I finally got a little bit of sleep I had a nightmare about mice, snakes, and insects in mom’s bed with her. I lay in bed with her for a while. At one point she layed her head on my shoulder. She has been very sweet for the most part the last few days.
Hospice is supposed to come in the morning and have a consultation with us. It’s just hard to believe my mom isn’t going to be around much longer…She’s only in her early 50.
02/13/10
I finally got some sleep last night…I had to take some sleep aid. I was so exhausted I was getting a headache and crying from sleep deprivation yet I couldn’t sleep. I slept for a long time. Mom said this morning “where have you been?”
I was laying down next to mom and she turned towards me, took my right hand and held it then put left hand on my upper arm and laid her head in my shoulder. We laid like that for a while…it was very sweet. I’ve missed times like these over the years because of mom’s mental illness. I’m glad she’s doing better the last few days.
02/16/10
Im glad that moms friend Andrea has come to visit her…she’s in the room with her now. My mom unfortunately hasn’t had very many friends.
#im glad Andrea came because it was so nice to hear mom laugh.
02/17/10
in response to “how is your mom doing?”
not good. Any time now she will slip away. She is able to walk around a bit, but her right leg is limp and she fell twice yesterday and almost fell several times. Her whole body is cold, like someone who’s already died and her body is wrinkling. She can’t talk much anymore and mostly makes noises and shakes her head yes and no….she’s angry about her situation, understandably.
I can’t believe my mom is about to die…her coloring is changing, her vision is getting worse (eyes rolling and when they are open only part way), her eyes have sunk back. I love my mom and don’t want her to go, but I think it’s the best thing for her. She’s got a heavenly Farher waiting to take her in his loving arms.
03/04/10
its hard to believe mom is going to be gone soon. A person came by and played the harp for her. She’s not able to express anything on her face anymore, but I’m sure she enjoyed it at some level. My sister said she saw moms brow unfurrow when the harpist started to play. I cried thinking that I won’t be able to get anymore hugs from my mommy.
mom has now passed away…it happened around 2:35pm. I’m glad that hospice had someone come in and play the harp.after the harp someone came and gave her a bed bath. I’m glad she left the world clean…Yesterday my sister and I went out and bought burial clothes for the burial. I’m glad she’s no longer in pain, but I miss her already.
mom 03/07/2010
it’s so hard to believe my mom is gone. just a few months ago i took her to the Salvation Army and we were shopping together for a couple of hours. I was trying on clothes and she was telling me why she liked them or didn’t like them. I’m wearing one of the shirts i bought that day…A large part of me feels kind of void right now. When people ask me how i’m doing i say “i’m hanging in there” which is true to some degree. One thing i wished i’d mentioned at the memorial yesterday was how giving our mother was…sometimes almost overgiving 😉 every time we went over she was giving us stuff (and then later we would make a goodwill run because we didn’t want to tell her we didn’t like what she was giving us…you’d understand if you were there). She would often give little kids things from her garage sale and other people she hardly knew. She had a wonderful heart. Though i’m glad i got laughs when i told about how she dressed me up in a monk outfit on a sunday haloween day and we went to a conservative baptist church at the time.
It seems like it all happened so fast and yet at the time it seemed like she wasn’t passing fast enough for all the pain she was going through. I know i’m not supposed to feel guilty about stuff and people have told me I shouldn’t feel guilty, but it happens anyways. I wish i’d spent more time with her. I wish i’d made time to make christmas ornaments with her when she’d called me and asked me to this last year or when she offered to come over and help clean the house, but i was to afraid of having her come over and drop stuff off or go on a rant at me.
Last night after the memorial i hung out with my sister’s brother in-laws mother and father in law (who’s house the memorial was at)and I found out that they are interested in the same hobby as me (hiking and photography). P. showed me several of his pictures and gave me some tips on different things so hopefully I’ll be able to go on some trips with them. They said they go hiking almost every week. I wish I’d gotten to know this amazing couple earlier, but i’ve always thought of them more of my siblings friends…They have been so amazing through this whole process i.e. bringing food over to my moms house while we were staying there and hosting our memorial service.
Mom’s friend B. came over to me before she left from the memorial and whispered in my ear that even though my mom’s gone and she knows she can’t replace her she’d be there for me and would help me out however she could. it was really sweet and meant a lot to me. I’m glad my mom’s in a better place now but i miss her dearly. I love my mommy and always will…
03/26/10
One person said “It’s not as though losing your mom is the worst thing that’s ever happened to you” then “What I mean is your a strong person and you’ve been through a lot in your life.” Losing your mom, even if you weren’t close is one of the hardest things a person goes through in their life in general I think. There’s a bond there.
#what not to say to someone who just lost their mom
04/04/10
It has been one month since the death of my mom. The hardest moment for me so far today was when I was about to send a happy easter text to family this morning I saw above my mother-in-laws name “mom-christine”. I deleted this from my previous phone i was using shortly after mom died, but when I went back to a different phone mom’s phone number was still listed on it. It made me sad to think mom will never call me again…
T. is thinking about running in the portland marathon for the american cancer society. I don’t know what to say or think right now. I’m at my in-laws and there are children running around making noise and trying to talk to me and ask me questions. I love my mom and always will. Some days will be harder then others, some moments harder then others. I look forward to one day seeing her again in heaven.She was a beautiful person.
04/21/10
I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but growing up my mom used to come and say she was sorry to us after she did something wrong. Apologizing is something that is very hard to do in general and even though I’m not a parent I imagine it’s hard to admit your wrong to your kid. Relationships between kids and parents would be better if parents would do this more. I appreciate now mom doing this for me.
05/03/10
i miss my mom. Yesterday I left the worship time and just cried in an empty room. Two ladies came in and prayed with me. Sometimes it’s hard, really hard. I wish she was here physically and mentally well. I wish I could hear her tell me she loves me. I love my mom.
#My sisters, brother in law, husband and I raised money for the American Cancer Society and ran a half marathon together in her memory. There is a picture above of me on that morning.
#I will probably post one more post about mom with cards from her being the focus.
I remember Valentines Day fondly when I was a child. In elementary school we would make Valentine mailboxes or envelopes with hearts all over them. Everyone brought everyone Valentine cards or sweetheart candies. It was a lot of fun, even if you knew a few of the folks didn’t really like you much.
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